Is This Real?

One year. Did this really happen? I was there, but I still
can't believe what I saw. I still can't believe this actually
happened! Today, it has been one year since my Mom
left us to go be with Jesus! This passed week, year
actually has been very difficult. Lately, I have felt
so lonely, overwhelmed, and scared! Scared that something
else bad is going to happen.

Listening to 99.1!JOYFM has helped us through so much! Dad
and I were blessed to go to the Casting Crowns concert at the
Family Arena when they came to St. Louis back in April. It
was wonderful! Several songs we knew, but I still cried through
several of them. JOYFM has been a huge blessing to us.

Mom's health was going down a lot last year, even though we
didn't know the full extent of just how bad! She'd gone to the doctor
several times the month before she died, and each time she was getting
sicker and they didn't do a full workup on her. Mom was depressed,
sad, and lashed out at us for such minor things I couldn't believe it!
I knew she'd gotten mad or upset before in the past, but this was?

When Mom was in the hospital, her body was shutting down. Annah
and I went to church that Sunday morning, and people asked how
Mom was doing. We told them not good! I remember what I said
to two sweet ladies who asked me how I was doing. I started crying
and said, "I can't believe I'm saying this, but if there was ever a time
that God was going to take Mom home to be with Him, I wish
He'd do it now and get it over with! She's so sick, and even if she
survives this, she won't have a life! And I would not want to see
her suffer like this again!"

Our good friend James Wilkerson came up and stayed with us. I'm so
glad he was there! I don't know what we would've done without him!
Anyway, on the way home from the hospital, just hours before Mom
died, we were listening to JOYFM, and MercyMe's Even If played.

The end was peaceful but it ripped my heart. I could write so many
details about it but not tonight. Even now when talking to my counselor,
one of our family pastors, I want to talk about, but I still don't know how!

The funeral was beautiful. We were kindly surrounded by so many
family and friends, old and new. We picked Mom's favorite colors,
and dressed her in pink, her all time favorite.

 

 

 

 

A music box I gave Mom for her last Mother's Day!

 

 

This song is from Disney's live-action Beauty

and the Beast, and it is so beautiful!

 

Ryan didn't understand what was going on, and he was so sad

and clingy. It still breaks my heart that for him one day Momma

was there, and the next? She was gone!

 

The roses with the silver casket had been Mom and Dad's wedding

colors! We didn't plan that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mom had a rough childhood into her adult years, and some scars that never

healed. Her last days, she found it difficult to cope. So, I am glad she is at peace. But...

 

 



 

 

 

The first time I watched the Lord of the Rings trilogy all the way through, by the

end, I was ugly crying. The ending scene where Frodo joins the elves, his uncle, and

Gandalf to sail away to the Undying Lands is so bittersweet. Frodo suffered horribly,

and not of his own choice, and he never fully recovered from it. God has used that scene

to comfort me even though it is so sad, because it reminds me of Mom.

 

 

 

 



 

Frodo says goodbye to his weeping friends. And he steps into the boat, he looks

back at them with the biggest smile, letting them know, "It's gonna be okay,"

and he is finally at peace. This is how I imagine it must have been for Mom,

when Jesus came for her and took her home with Him, where she is no longer

feeling insecure!!! But...

 

 

 

 What I wouldn't give to see her happy like that, after her last days filled with pain!

 

Some days, my mind or I am just like this, even as I do things through the day...

 

 

 

 

Your thoughts and prayers are appreciated! And...I love you, Mom!